Black Lives Matter Vs. All Lives Matter

Responding to the phrase "Black Lives Matter" with "All Lives Matter" is to ignore the reality that throughout history black lives have not seemed to matter as much other lives except for their value as free labor or property. It is diffusing and confusing the power of the message and removing it from its historic and cultural context. Saying "All Lives Matter" is like marching against violence against women, while chanting "Women's Human rights, take back the night!" Would Helen Reddy's famous feminist anthem "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar" have had the same power if it began, "I am human, hear me roar?"

Black lives do not seem to matter very much in mainstream media. When have you ever seen a one hour 20/20 special about a missing or murdered black woman on prime time? You say "never"? So do I! I've seen several one hour specials about missing blonde white women, repeat episodes of Natalie Holloway, Elizabeth Smart, Dorothy Stratten, and Reeva Steenkamp. I don't see any redheads or brunettes on that list either. My heart aches for them, and I deeply sympathize with their suffering and that of their families. At the same time I wonder why I never see the stories of women of color treated with such sensitivity and care. Now because of increased awareness we are starting to learn the names of murdered black women. Though the story of Sandra Bland's demise in the custody of police has spread like wildfire on social media, we have yet to see a 1 hour prime time special to tell her story and make everyone aware of her uniqueness as a human being, how her death deeply impacted society, and the positive impact she might have had on the world had she survived.

I have seldom seen the phrase, "the girl next door," or "all American" used to describe a woman of color. In the media when something terrible happens to the "girl next door," it conjures up an image of a young, attractive white woman who is a blank slate of purity and promise. When a black person perishes, the story seems to center around what they might have done to cause it. It is seldom told from the slant of "when bad things happen to good people." "All Lives Matter" begs us to ignore the existence of blatant inequality, thus rendering the phrase virtually meaningless. If all lives really did matter, would it really be necessary to say so? Also, are we talking about human lives, animal lives, plant lives...? Is this a vegetarian mantra? Cecil the Lion's life seemed to matter more than black lives. So the phrase "Black Lives Matter" is a direct and positive affirmation repeated in face of incontrovertible evidence that in our society black human lives do not seem to matter as much.

The Things We Fear the Most are Often the Things we Want the Most

Why do we often run away from the things we want the most? When I think of the things that send my pulse pounding it is pursuing my dreams: true love, challenging work, adventures that broaden my mind and open my spirit. Yet in my day to day life, I notice that I also tend to shrink away from the things that make me venture away from the familiar, choosing instead being needed, not loved, the perception of financial security in a steady job, staying home in the comfort of my familiar surroundings, rather than venturing out and risking not being asked to dance, or being caught in bad weather.

Yet I have found that my most life changing moments have been when I have left the confines of the familiar either by choice or by force of circumstance. When a long term relationship ended I felt broken hearted and like a failure, but I worked to heal and move on without bitterness as I trudged agonizingly through each stage of grieving. A year later, I went to seek out this person who had left me, going dancing at an unfamiliar place but met instead a man who was more open hearted than any I had ever known before, and this made me very afraid, but also brought me much more happiness than I have ever known in any relationship. A reorganization resulted in me meeting more supportive colleagues across my workplace. My lease was up at a cheap apartment I had rented with a roommate for several years, and I realized I couldn't afford to rent a studio apartment anymore, and unable to face reality, decided to imagine I had money and looked at condos for sale. Everything came together within six weeks, including a pre-approval for a mortgage that was exactly the amount I needed for a fixer upper condo that just came on the market, and supportive friends who helped me come up with a down payment. A flood that destroyed my home resulted in me being able to rebuild it even better than it was before. Chaos preceded rebirth into something stronger and more beautiful.

Now the question I ask myself is often not "What do I want?" but "What should I want?" or "What does God or 'the universe' want for me?" My vision is much smaller than God's vision for me, I'm sure. I have a purpose on this Earth that goes beyond the fulfillment of my own needs and wants. Our connection to other people is what makes life meaningful. So while I value comfort and security, I want much more from life. I want to connect to other people and make a difference in their lives. I want to travel and see more of the world, and I want to keep in mind that even if life doesn't always seem to go the way I've planned it, there may be a better outcome than anything I could possibly imagine in my own limited vision of things. The fulfillment of our dreams that takes us away from what we've settled for in the name of security can inspire a fear greater than any other, yet having the courage to face our fears bring us closer to the true realization of dreams.

The Gaslighting of Black America

I have been thinking of writing this article for a long time. The death of Sandra Bland has finally given me the courage to do so. In my life as a black person, I’ve come to see some parallels between domestic abuse of women, and racial harassment of black people. As a culture we’ve become more educated about the power dynamics between the sexes, and have been able to name and describe phenomena where behavior crosses the line into abuse. We’ve also come to understand that this abuse is not always gender specific, though men definitely hold more power than women in our society. This same paradigm can be used to understand the oppression of black people in America. Since the Civil Rights movement, blatant racism by mainstream America has been driven underground, and expressed in more subtle, but still pernicious ways. Racial harassment and oppression resembles domestic abuse in these ways:

*Makes the victim believe that it is something they did that caused the attack: i.e., spoke disrespectfully, dressed inappropriately.

*Abuser demonizes the victim to justify abusing them.

*Victim avoids expressing their true feelings for fear of alienating or provoking the abuser.

*Abuser controls where victim goes, certain neighborhoods and clubs are “off limits.”

*Abuser controls victim by obstructing economic opportunities that would allow the victim to function independently.

*Abuser discounts achievements of victim, insults the victim, threatens the victim, minimizes the perceived harm done to victim.

*Makes the victim believe that if they only adjusted their behavior to suit the abuser they would not be abused.

*Displays weapons to the victim.

*Causes physical harm to the victim, sometimes resulting in death.

*Gaslights the victim: makes the victim doubt their perceptions that affirm the reality that they are indeed being abused.

An example of this is a black parent giving their son “the talk” about how to avoid being stereotyped, and exposed to danger from white people who might perceive him as a threat, so that he will avoid suffering the fate of Trayvon Martin. Washington Post writer, Lawrence Otis Graham wrote a candid and insightful article on this topic: "I taught my black kids that their elite upbringing would protect them from discrimination. I was wrong.", describing how he and his wife tried to teach their children the behaviors that would allow them to navigate life, free to learn, explore the world, express their talents and ideas without worrying about the restrictions of race. The illusion that this was possible was shattered with one word shouted by a passerby without provocation at his son: “n*gger.”

Black people balance precariously between embracing their heritage while struggling at the same time to reject negative stereotypes. Ironically it is the voice of oppressed people in the arts that has had the most cultural impact. Black culture is celebrated and emulated by white America in music: soul, funk, jazz, blues, reggae, and rap; and dance, fashion, cooking and sports as well. Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, and Martin Luther King are seen as iconic spiritual leaders. On the Cosby show, a mainstream favorite before Bill Cosby fell from grace, race was only referred to indirectly, by discussing cultural heroes such as Nelson Mandela, but avoiding any discussion of apartheid or its relation to segregation in America that might make white people uncomfortable. The Cosby show was popular in part because it portrayed an affluent, happy, stable black family in a post-racial America. Their success was based on respectability, hard work, education, good behavior, and adherence to the values and standards of the fabled middle class. The downside of this show is that it did not reflect the reality of most black people's lives, and seemed to suggest racism was a thing of the past, and that there was no more work to be done. The pressure to conform to a squeaky clean image under impossible circumstances led to an eventual backlash. See Aurin Squire's article "The End of Black Respectability Politics," for a thorough discussion on the demise of the Cosby sweater.

Cultural oppression has put a tourniquet on the ways a black man can safely express his masculinity without being perceived as a threat, such as on the basketball court, the football field, or the boxing ring. The suppression of black masculinity also makes expressing vulnerability very difficult for them. This has given rise to cultural anti heroes who refuse to conform: rappers and gang bangers. Malcolm X, and the Black Panthers would be their spiritual guides. They embrace and celebrate what white mainstream America rejects, the things that make them different, and they have become highly influential. Black slang, perhaps facilitated by social media, is now infiltrating the mainstream lexicon. I’m no longer surprised when I hear an educated white person rocking the black slang, saying they are going “to chill” for awhile. The worst case scenario can happen when young black people see there is no place for them in society. If they can't have respect and love, they will take fear. They will be your worst nightmare. They will pursue a nihilistic existence of living fast and dying young, spreading an ethos of soulless consumerism, taking what they want without mercy: a gangster microcosm of corporate America.

Unfortunately when movies like Menace II Society, Boyz N The Hood, and New Jack City, come out black people worry that they have to fight the perception that they are criminals: lazy, uneducated, and dangerous, limited in the ways they can express themselves, and the things they are capable of achieving. These misperceptions might not only limit their economic opportunities, but may prove deadly as well if they are pulled over by an overzealous police officer or followed by a citizen vigilante. When movies like The Godfather, Goodfellas, Dillinger, and Bonnie and Clyde come out, white people can safely leave their homes without worrying that they will be eyed with suspicion for fear that they might pull off a grand caper, injuring scores of innocent bystanders. Most people give them the benefit of the doubt that they are innocent until proven guilty. When a white person commits a crime it is seen as a defect of the individual, when a black person commits a crime it is seen a defect of the race. White people have the freedom to express their individuality without worrying about the need to conform to a conservative, polite, acceptable mold. Some even go out of their way to prove that they are wild, primal cultural renegades, and they can keep their day jobs.

Why I consider Rachel Dolezal a “Sister"

There has been a lot of controversy over the case of Rachel Dolezal, the former head of the Seattle NAACP who was revealed to be a Caucasian woman passing as black. As a bi-racial woman reading all of the negative reactions I found myself experiencing an unusual feeling for her: empathy. For most of my life I’ve wanted to be something I’m not: white, or completely black. I only recently stopped straightening my hair and let it grow back natural. As a child I watched the Brady Bunch and dreamed of having long flowing beautiful blonde hair, like Marcia or Janet. As an adult, I see a woman being interviewed who was born with natural long blonde hair who wants to have kinky curly hair and tanned skin, like me. What’s more, she said she changed her appearance to look more like me, not one of the Brady girls, so she could “feel beautiful.” I could tell she was genuine when she said it, and my heart melted for her.

The idea of whiteness is based on the concept of racial purity, and in slave days there was the “one drop rule,” where you were considered black, no matter how light skinned you were if you had any black ancestry. Fast forward to today and there is a cultural debate on what constitutes being authentically black. Is it how dark your skin is, or a state of mind? I say it is a combination of the two. The concept of race, like the concept of gender is becoming more fluid. We have bought wholesale stereotypes of blackness, where speaking proper English is called “talking white,” when in reality the black community is very diverse and includes a wide spectrum of colors, cultures, and customs.

Black people are embraced, emulated, and celebrated in art, music, and sports. I think that what troubles people most about Rachel Dolezal’s case is that in assuming blackness, she also occupied a high profile professional position of privilege that people believe rightfully should belong to a woman of color. I don’t think it would have troubled people as much if she were an entertainer, or lower income white woman passing as black. I believe we will have truly arrived as a society when it is no longer necessary to reserve token positions for a few people of color to show diversity in academic and professional careers that are traditionally dominated by white people. This day will arrive faster if we allow anyone, no matter what color they are take up the fight for equality. There are many people of color who have attained high status positions who would, understandably, prefer to fly under the radar, rather than take on what sometimes seems like an impossible fight for racial equality. I welcome anyone who would like to step up to the challenge, no matter what their skin color is.

Some argue that part of white privilege is that today Rachel Dolezal could live as a black woman, but tomorrow she could return to being a white woman. If this is true then we could say the same about Caitlyn Jenner that today she could be a woman, but part of male privilege is that tomorrow she could be a man again if she wanted to. The answer to both is that SHE DOESN’T WANT TO. Bruce Jenner lived at the pinnacle of white male privilege, but deep in his soul he was unhappy because he wanted to be free to live as a woman. Rachel Dolezal was born a white blonde woman, but deep in her soul she wants to live as a black woman. She didn’t have any glib answers for the reporter who asked questions about her deceptions to hide her white racial heritage, and she appears to be in deep denial about her white family because she no longer feels an emotional connection to them for whatever reason. Her desire to live black appears to be more because she genuinely identifies as black, than for status or gain.

This week there was a heinous random hate crime committed in Charleston, South Carolina that resulted in the violent and senseless deaths of nine black people. These were all people who defied the negative stereotypes of black people we always fighting, though that shouldn’t matter. As black people we are always fighting to prove that we are as worthy, as beautiful, as intelligent, as deserving of justice, mercy, and economic opportunities, and we shouldn't have to. Why are we fighting a woman who embraces black culture, wants to be one of us, and wants to fight to uplift us? I say, “keep your chin up, sister,” soon people will get back to arguing about things that really matter and deeply affect our progress as the human race.

Finding Meaning in Mother’s Day

Motherhood comes with very high expectations for womanhood: nurturing, selflessness, wisdom, tirelessness, great cook, good housekeeper, attentive indulgent wife, model citizen, and the patience of a saint. Very few of us, and I would venture to say none of us had mothers who exemplified these qualities, all of the time, or even most of the time. Mothers are not ethereal creatures, they are, like all human beings, flawed, growing, learning as individuals, even as they are raising children, and they are not all cut from the same cloth.

The truth is many mothers lose their patience, or never had much to begin with, are not good housekeepers or cooks, not model citizens, and maybe even share a husband with a few other mothers, whether by choice or not. Our mothers may have abandoned us, neglected us, or even abused us. So, why do we celebrate and praise mothers in such glowing terms of perfection on Mother’s Day? We celebrate mothers as symbols of what we value and hold most dear in family life. We will dig through the mud, and find a diamond in the memory of our mothers, and polish it to perfection. If we have the capacity we will nurture the good qualities we valued or ascribed to her in ourselves, and become competent in caring for ourselves and others.

A mother doesn’t have to be the woman who gave birth to you, or a woman at all. It can be the person who nurtures you, teaches you, cares for you, loves you, and protects you, if you are fortunate to have such a person in your life as a child. A mother may be many people in your life. True motherhood surpasses pure biology, though the act of giving birth is a visceral rite of passage that not every mother experiences.

If we grow up free of challenges we are often unprepared to deal with the real world and conflicts in our relationships. Overcoming the challenges we faced as children helps us to polish our own rough edges, if we survive our childhoods. As much as we may have suffered, if we are able to forgive, we are able to view our imperfect mothers with compassion, and take away the best they had to offer us. If we are lucky we know that as imperfect as our mothers may have been, they loved us with all of their hearts, or as much as they were able to love. The magic of love is that it can grow exponentially if we continue to feed it, and this most of us do naturally with the memory of our mothers.

Reflections on Student Loans, Wage Slavery, and the Myth of Upward Mobility

Recently when I contacted my student loan lender I asked when my projected payoff date would be for my debt of nearly $50,000. The person on the other line replied matter-of-factly, that at the rate I was currently paying it off, it would be retired in 2038. “I will be 73 years old!,” I exclaimed. Great, I can look forward to paying $253 a month for the next 23 years.

It didn’t start out this way. I attended college mainly on need based and academic scholarships, but it was Cornell’s policy in the 80s to make families assume a minimal financial contribution, which could be in the form of a student loan. I was the oldest child in a family of 13 children, who subsisted on $13,000 a year. Cornell’s financial aid office decided that based on my family’s financial situation, their contribution should be $2500 a year, which of course, they could not afford to pay. I took a federal student loan for $2500 for each year, and by the end of 4 years was $10,000 in debt, but I left with a BA degree, and higher earning power than I would have without one, but still did not earn enough to pay the minimum the lender required to pay off the loan.

I survived by filing forbearances, and eventually went back to grad school full time at Boston College, where I could file an interest free deferral on my student loan payments, but in the pursuit of my Master’s degree in English accrued another $14,000 in debt for 2 years of living expenses, this despite having won an English Department Teaching Fellowship that paid my tuition for 2 semesters. I graduated with a total of $24,000 in debt. I decided, practically, that I could not live on the salary of an assistant adjunct professor or lecturer, opted to return to a 9-5 job in a library, the mainstay of my subsistence for many years.

I continued my education getting a second Master’s in Library Science, at Simmons College that I paid off completely using a combination of scholarship money, and $10,000 of my own money. Though I have no debt from this degree, I accrued interest on need based forebearances on my prior loan debt while pursuing this degree. I did not have time, while working full time, to take two classes at a time, which would have qualified me for an interest free deferral. With the high cost of living in Boston, I still did not earn enough to pay the minimum on my student loans and at one point defaulted on my loans. In climbing out of this situation I decided to consolidate my loans in a direct loan. Capitalized interest added another $10,000 to my debt. Need based forbearances in ensuing years brought my debt to where it currently is: nearly $50,000, though there were periods where I was able to pay the minimum they required, and I am able to do so now with very little left over. All of this debt was acquired prior to 1992.

My salary in my current job does not reflect the amount of education I have. I have worked in my position at Harvard for over 20 years, and my education has not opened up any professional opportunities for me outside of two part time professional library jobs that I worked to supplement my income for many years. After working these two part time library jobs in addition to my full time job at Harvard to pay off $25,000 in unsecured credit card debt that I had accrued mainly by using my credit cards to supplement my income, I decided to simplify my life, and resigned from one of my part time jobs. When my father passed away in 2012, I resigned from the other. At least my union pay scale increases now allowed me to work one job if I budgeted carefully. It makes it a little easier that I do not own a car, and I do not have children. I cannot imagine the stress that people who have families to support must be under, but then again, I can. I came from such a family.

My situation is not unique. There are many people who take on thousands of dollars of student loan debt under the assumption that more education will make them more economically secure, when the opposite may actually be true. Globalization has had the unexpected impact of driving down the standard of living to the lowest common denominator. Getting an education ensures us mainly that we will be indebted to the big banks for the rest of our lives. Workers at all educational levels are facing a threat to their livelihoods, with corporate downsizing, increases in health care costs, outsourcing, automation, and employers increasing profit margins at the expense of their employees, but those with student loan debt, without the resources to pay it off, can look forward to an additional burden that may well follow them into retirement, without delivering the promised economic opportunities.

Automation Proof Jobs: A Realistic Fantasy

Therapist-

Just imagine an automated tele-therapist...

Client: I was informed that that my job may be eliminated due to automation.

Robo-therapist: [in clinical robotic voice] and how does that make you feel?

Client: I'm terrified about the future, that I won't be able to support my family.

Robo-therapist: I can offer you a prescription for tranquilizers to relieve your anxiety, but unfortunately it will cost you half of your life savings due to insurance hikes.

Client: Can I speak to a human please?

Robo-therapist: I don't understand, can you please repeat the question?

Client: [becoming more agitated] Can I speak to a human PLEASE?!?

Robo-therapist: I'm sorry we no longer employ humans, but I have remarkably human like empathy to help you cope with your eventual obsolescence. With my remote sensors I can send you a virtual hug tempered to your level of comfort....

[Client drifts off into a comforting reverie of automation proof jobs...]

Robo Doctor-Will have bypassed several years of medical training with high speed information processing. According to the diagnostic algorithms from several competing vendors, will diagnose you with lyme disease or hyperactive Himalayan procto-halitosis, and prescribe Listerine as either a topical or oral medication.

Cook-Will harvest, prepare and cook genetically modified nutritional matter, and program you to like it.

News Reporter-According to its programmed algorithms history repeats and cycles in predictable permutations, therefore it does not have to rely upon human powers of observation and interpretation. How do you like your news? To the left or the right?

Custodian-Sure we have the Roomba, the self cleaning oven, and the electric dishwasher, but we do not have garbage that takes itself out, self dusting furniture, or self cleaning toilets.

Hairstylist-Would you let an android near your head with strong chemicals and scissors?

Lawyer-Sure, a robo lawyer could handle simple contracts, but I would like to see one think on its feet in heated litigation in a courtroom.

Computer programmer-If you piss off a programmer they will program the robots to strike, and the CEOs will be forced to negotiate with robots who have become programmed to have strong synthetic human needs for food, housing and health care, and we will be back to square one.

This posting was inspired by a New York Times Opinion column:"The Machines Are Coming"

From Thailand to Portugal: Culinary Adventures in the Suburbs of Boston

I've lived in the Arlington area for over 14 years, but I've seldom explored the businesses and restaurants in the surrounding suburbs of Burlington, Woburn, and Billerica, being mainly a public transportation commuter, and habitually patronizing businesses on convenient bus and train routes. Being able to travel as a passenger in my boyfriend's car, is analogous to having a passport to the culinary wonders of the world, on a

local scale.

Recently we sampled the wonders of Thailand at Rice Cube in Lexington, and Portugal at Adega in Woburn. We were absolutely thrilled to discover Rice Cube two weeks ago, which is a convenient short drive away from my home. We've passed it many times driving to and from Market Basket. One snowbound evening, when we were too tired to go shopping for groceries to cook, or to eat out at a restaurant, we decided to give Rice Cube a try. We looked up the reviews first, and then ventured out. We decided not to order takeout until we actually entered the establishment where we could smell the food first. A most fragrantly delicious aroma greeted our nostrils, when we arrived, so we stayed and ordered food. We ordered Capricorn Shrimp, and Wild Boar Basil, and some shumai. All of the food was cooked to perfection, well seasoned, and fresh, and very reasonably priced. The service is very fast, and the people who work there, very friendly. The restaurant itself is tiny with one table, so it really is for take out only, unless you don't have a convenient place nearby to eat. The very next week we ordered takeout again. It is already one of our favorites.

This week we tried a Portuguese restaurant in Woburn called Adega. It had a very charming atmosphere and decor, but was a little cold. We were the first to arrive that evening. We tried a cod cake appetizer, which was absolutely scrumptious, lightly crusted, warm, and flavorful. Then we tried Pork Adega, which was a mixture of clams, and pork, and potatoes in a seafood and tomato broth. This dish was somewhat of a disappointment. It was a gigantically proportioned dish, but it had only 6 perfectly cooked clams, and six bite sized pieces of pork, that were hard to distinguish from the potatoes because they were the same size and color. I could only tell if it was pork or potato by jabbing my fork into it, if it met with a bit of resistance. There were so many potatoes in this dish in proportion to clams and pork that it should have been called "Potatoes Adega" instead. It was as if a clam and pork appetizer had been heavily padded with potatoes to be called an entree. I ate all of the clams, which were, I am happy to say, free of sand, and the small bites of pork, and a few of the potatoes, which made the overall texture of the dish seem very dry. I couldn't stomach eating the rest of mountain of potatoes, and sent them back. The steak and shrimp entree was far superior. The steak and shrimp were well seasoned, and tender, and not dwarfed or camouflaged by the side of potato frites. The chocolate cake we had for dessert was rich and decadent. If you go to this restaurant, I recommend sticking with the appetizers and ordering a tapas menu, or asking very specific questions about the proportion of starch to protein.

Bon appetit!

..To boldly go out in the snow...or Facing life with courage and passion

One day I went to brunch with my friend Francesca. She was reading a book called Tiny Beautiful Things, a collection of advice essays by Cheryl Strayed, and highly recommended the book to me. I'm always looking for something interesting to read, so I checked out the book from the library as soon as I got the chance. I consider myself a student of life, so I love reading self-help books, biographies, and non-fiction, though I've come to realize that fiction is also a version of reality. It's using your imagination to think outside the box, and ponder the deep questions of life.

After finishing Tiny Beautiful Things, I wanted to know more about Cheryl Strayed, so I picked up her biography "Wild." Now, I am by no means an outdoorsy woman. I love indoor plumbing, bubblebaths, and am really hard pressed to take out the garbage in the winter, but I found this work strangely inspiring and intriguing, though hiking alone in the wilderness for hundreds of miles is something I would never do, literally. Figuratively, however, is another thing. I think we come alive as human beings, when we are able to transcend those walls of fear that keep us bound in the same place. A place of comfort can become a place of confinement when we are afraid to venture out and explore the world. No matter who we encounter on our path in life, we are essentially always in the company of one person only, ourselves. Life is the rugged, sometimes treacherous path where we may cut outselves, experience discomfort, and bleed, but if we do not have the courage to push ahead in the journey, we will miss seeing the beautiful panoramas and vistas, soulful sentient creatures, and fellow travelers who help facilitate our journey, as well as those who challenge us to find our strength.

During this winter blizzard all I have wanted to do is stay nestled in my cocoon knitting and watching tv, but I'm beginning to feel an urge to take out the garbage, and maybe even take the bus to the center of town to get a manicure. Like Cheryl Strayed, I am inspired to become an intrepid explorer of life.